FRIENDS? Where art thou?

by - 22:57:00

Hey guys.. 

So it has been way too long but I am back! - and back for good..

I will consider putting up a post to explain why the rather long and sudden break but for now, I am here to discuss something else.

Friendships.. Friends..

You get the gist..

Well, more recently I have come to realize that I do not really have friends.
I mean, I have never been one to have a lot of people around me but even in the small circle that I do have, I struggle to pin point who my actual friends are.

If I am being truthful, I feel as though, I have been lying to myself for the longest time and this was simply because I so badly wanted friends. 

I mean, everyone has their own 'SQUAD' group. I guess I just wanted the same for myself.

People who I could build up, love and support and they would also be able to do likewise for me. & of course the whole building beautiful memories together.  

Well, I have come to accept that perhaps that life is just not for me or rather perhaps, I am just a really complex person.

Sitting down to reflect on things - which I do a lot (a bit too much at times lol)

It is quite evident that I have a very unhealthy definition of what a friend is..
(maybe unclear is a better word)

I mean let us not get acquaintances and an actual friend as in your close/tight circle mixed up.

l will give you guys a few reasons why I have been running away from admitting my lack of friends:
1. Fear of being alone - it is not really 'the being alone' that is my issue but rather, having other people see that I am alone.
2. Fear of starting all over again - in terms of building new friendships. Its really a lot of work and to think I would have to invest in so much time to create some lasting memories is somewhat daunting.
3. Hurting people - that is just something that does not sit too well with me.

I constantly find myself in friendships where it is me constantly giving and I am getting nothing back in return.

I am literally the one pulling people up whether it be through advice or encouragement and it really can be so draining especially when it is all one-sided.

I mean what happened to 'iron sharpens iron'

This really is a lot but I am happy to share this on here.

Perhaps I will end up helping one or two people come to the same realization or even get some help myself from your comments.

Back to my story.

From a very young age, I have always had what one would call 'very sharp eyes' lol.
So I notice things very quickly - even when I am NOT looking out for them.

I won't say I notice but rather, things are exposed to me - especially when I have a false perception of what the truth is about a person or matter.

This has always been a big issue for me as it meant, I was exposed to things no child should ever really notice such a young vulnerable age.
It is just one of those things that once your mind has captured a specific thing, it is very hard not to think on it. That particular thing becomes soo magnified and can eventually end up controlling your entire life.

 This very trait of mine followed me into my friendships and so I would always see things that would expose the perception people had towards me and me being so very great at giving people the benefit of the doubt, I would always ignore it..

Well so much for ignoring things because there has now been such a build up that it is all soo hard to ignore.

This phrase now comes to mind - 'you are trying too hard to hold on to something that was never meant to be in your life'

Perhaps that is all abit too harsh.

I don't know but I will be truthful and say I AM HURTING.

I am hurting because I have invested soo much emotions into something that was never meant to be and have only just come to the realization now? It is just all abit too much.

I am a Christian and this matter of my friendships has always been one that I have always handed over to God..
I do believe I asked him to take the center-stage of all but I guess at times we could all still get things wrong.

I am now left in a place where I would say I am healing.

I have refused to pray about God sending new friends my way and that is just because I do not think it is something I can handle.(at the moment)

I don'tt want anything to remind me of the stress my past friendships brought and I also do not want to fill anyone's life with my baggage.. (cause trust me, I am no saint!)

However, more recently, I have been feeling like my 'I am not ready' is just an excuse. 

I feel as though it may be me running away from my fears?
The fear that I still will not be able to find the right friends and end up going through another horrible cycle again...

OR maybe that is not the case and I am just overthinking..

I will be stopping here for today but who knows, this post may have a PART 2, 3 and so on.

I do have a few questions for you all though: (I would really appreciate some transparency)

1. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
2. Do you think I am hiding from my fears with my line of 'I am not ready' for any new friendships?
3. What is YOUR definition of a friendship?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Till next time.


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